More April Jokes 4/15/17

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
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Q: What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
A: Broke.
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.
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Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
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A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Q: Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.
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Q: What do a bungee jump and a cheap hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
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Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."
Jim: "Great trade!"
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God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.
"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."

Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
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Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her.
She asked him, "Are you admiring my airplane?"
He replied, "No, I'm admiring the landing field."
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Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"OK, where you flyin' to, bitch?"
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I like psycho chicks.... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
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I just read about this study that says that, apparently, when women go on dates, they decide if they're going to sleep with the guy or not in the first 12 seconds. Seems wrong to me, you know. How are these women getting drunk so fast?
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A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel."
His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
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Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff.
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I don't know if you've ever been to Ireland. They are really the nicest people on the face of the earth. You do a show there, you walk into the pub in Ireland -- you have five best friends immediately. I walk into the bar, the first guy I see goes, 'Tell me something.' I'm like, 'Alright.' He goes, 'If you woke up in the morning and there were grass stains on your knees and a condom hanging out of your butt, would you tell anyone?' I'm like, 'Nope. I don't think so. No.' He goes, 'Would you like to go camping with me, laddy?'
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Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Hang on because here it comes."
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