Saturday 6/10 Jokes

Hi everyone...here are a few jokes for the weekend. There are a couple that I've posted a long while back, but are funny as all heck and need a re-posting here. Most are clean, but some are borderline dirty...read at your own risk. As always, don't shoot the messenger (me)....Jim

Two men are 4th Tee and see a funeral procession starting down the road, next to the tee. One of the men takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession passes, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his driver and continues teeing off. His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you. The man responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
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A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race, but then she realized that they cost way too much money, so instead, she bought a donkey.
The next day, she enters it into a contest, and it comes in third.
The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Chokes.''
The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first.
The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize.''
The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race.
The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Ass.''
And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price.
The headlines were ''Nun Sells Her Ass for $5.''
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
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Q: What did the right ball say to the left ball?
A: The guy in the middle is a real dick.
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
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A woman at a golf course begins yelling, ''I've been stung by a bee!'' Another golfer asks her where she had been stung. ''Between the first and second hole,'' she replies. The guy tells her, ''Oh, your stance is too wide then.
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There's prejudice in the NBA.....The 3-point shot:.....it's designed to keep the white man in the game.
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Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye dogs.
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A blonde, brunette and a redhead decide have a breaststroke race across the English Channel. The brunette comes in first, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde never finishes.
In the lifeboat, the blonde says, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."
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Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”
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A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
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There were three guys in a car. One driving, the other in the passenger seat and one resting in the back. The guy in the back became sleepy and fell asleep. A few minutes later, he is startled by a "THUMP THUMP."
"What the hell was that?" he shouted.
The driver says, "It was just a redneck."
"I felt two thumps, though," says the passenger.
"Yeah we had to go through the fence to hit him."