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Sunday Jokes 7/30/17

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Sunday Jokes 7/30/17 Empty Sunday Jokes 7/30/17

Post by JimQ916 Sun 30 Jul 2017, 4:58 pm

Q: What four words kill a man's ego?

A: "Is it in yet?"

*********************************************************

Q: What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?
A: Video games and porn.

*********************************************************

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

*********************************************************

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

*********************************************************

Q: How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg?
A: Whack him off!

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Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: She's a woman.

*********************************************************

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.

"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"

"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

*********************************************************

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

*********************************************************

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.

''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.

''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''

*********************************************************

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.

Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"

The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

*********************************************************

Q: What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?

A: My zipper.

*********************************************************

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night. You got mayonnaise in my eye!"

*********************************************************

Q: How do you keep a blonde at home?

A: Build a circular driveway.

*********************************************************

A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, "Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened!"

She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, "I've never seen anything like this. How far down does it go?"

She says, "All the way down to my penis! And that's the other thing we have to talk about!"

*********************************************************

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

*********************************************************

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

*********************************************************

Q: What did the farmer say when he read that genetic engineers were implanting human DNA into goats?
A: "Hell, I've been doing that for years".

"*********************************************************

Q: What do you call a blonde who eats too much?

A: Fat.

"*********************************************************

Q: How is a hurricane like a marriage?

A: At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and when it's over your house is gone.

"*********************************************************

Q: What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?

A: A widow
JimQ916
JimQ916

Posts : 379
Join date : 2014-12-31

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