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Holiday Jokes 12/30/17

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Holiday Jokes 12/30/17 Empty Holiday Jokes 12/30/17

Post by JimQ916 Sat 30 Dec 2017, 9:17 am

Hi everyone.....Happy Holidays. Here are a few jokes I found to celebrate the season....some are on the CRUDE side and should be read only if you have thick skin (and a great sense of humor). Please, if you are easily offended, please just click off this now. For those of you choosing to continue, remember.....don't shoot me, I'm only the messenger.....Jim

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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On Christmas day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a *** and hears his dad call his mom a ***. He asks, "Mommy, what does *** mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does *** mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Christmas dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
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Q) How is Christmas like your job?
A) You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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Q) What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A) Santa stops after three hos.
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked people in papa's computer."
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Q) Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?
A) He only comes once a year.
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Q) Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
A) Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
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Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
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Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."
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Q) Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime?
A) Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.

JimQ916
JimQ916

Posts : 379
Join date : 2014-12-31

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