Valley of the Sun Casual Club
Welcome to VOTSCC . Please enjoy the many features . You may login at anytime to be part of our community .
Log in

I forgot my password

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
CLICK ON ANY OF THESE LINKS TO FIND OUR EXTREME ENTERTAINMENT








Forum Updated Index

If you wanted to look at the Magic Star . You will see that it is in the forum F6 . If you click F6 you wiil see just those 12 forums . Then you can look in each one at all the topics in them .


F1 ALL MEMBERS BRIEFLY INTRODUCE YOURSELF
2015 NEW ANNOUNCEMENTS

F2 Valley of the Sun CC SITE AND FORUM GUILDELINES
VOTSCC TOURNAMENT MAKING GUIDE
VOTSCC OUR WGT CC BASIC PROTOCOL

F3 Valley of the Sun CC HALL OF FAME REPLAY BLOOPERS
Valley of the Sun CC BEST OF REPLAYS

F4 WORLD CLOCK

F5 RECENT TOURNEY WINNERS
VOTSCC "KICK ASS" 100,000 POINT CLUB MEMBERS

F6 FORUM FOR PAGE 3 & SAT & SUN BRACKETS & TOURNEY INFO HERE
FLASH MOB & ECGA POKER & MY LEAGUE POOL HALL PROS
PERFECT GOLF
LEXMARK 2500 CREDIT TOURNEY
CLASH RULES AND RESULTS
BLITZ OFFICIAL RULES
DAILY BLITZ SCORES ONLY
THE MAGIC STAR
CHALLENGING THE KING
VOTSCC INTERPLAY CC VS CC MATCHES
ACE'S " Best of the Alternate Shot Championship "
JUNE28 RATTLESNAKE ALT SHOT

F7 VALLEY OF THE FUN
CRAZY WGT SHIT
DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "

F8 FORUM OF HOW TO'S
TIPS FROM THE DOCTOR OF TECHNOLOGY AZDEWARS
WGT GAME TIPS & TRICKS

F9 Current Events ,,Announcemets , Bulletin Board Part 1
AZ "HOT SHOTS" REMEMBERED
HIGH FIVES TO THE SKIES
RANDOM SELFLESS ACTS OF KINDNESS

F10 VOTSCC CC CLUBHOUSE
CC CART GIRL
TOURNEY TALK
GET YOUR CC TOURNEY ON

F11 CHAT ? ANYONE HERE TO CHAT WITH ?

F12 ANYTHING ELSE ?
DAVID LANES KICK ASS GALLERY OF ART
FORUM OF OLD WGT FORUM POST'S (archives)
HEY JOE
OFF THE WALL , THX FOR A WALL OF A GOOD TIME
Gallery
Click on Gallery in toolbar above to see Galleries

FORUM UPDATE
THIS FORUM IS FOR YOU ALL . PLEASE FEEL LIKE IT IS YOURS . READ THE FORUMS. POST COMMENTS . ASK QUESTIONS . IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT POST IT . MAKE SUGGESTIONS . READ SOME TUTORIALS . READ SOME GOLF TIPS . CHECK RECENT TOURNEY WINNERS . BROWSE OUR OLD FORUM ARCHIVES . LOG IN TO THE CHAT AND MESSAGE SOMEONE TO MEET YOU THERE AND ARRANGE A MATCH . LOG IN TO THE CHAT TO SEE IF SOMEONE IS THERE JUST TO SAY HI . MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THE DAILY BLITZ .
THE BLITZ SCORECARD IS ON Page 3 PLEASE CLICK HERE
TO FIND THE COURSE OF THE DAY AND SEE
THE WEEKLY STANDINGS . PLEASE POST
YOUR SCORES HERE. IN THIS

Bilko’s Putting Calc
Here is a link to Bilko's Putting Calc and Wind Calc
Just download and install
Owner’s Objectives

It's been a while since I expressed some of my objectives for the CC . First of all I like and respect everyone that joins our club . I realize that not everyone knows what a CC is all about . Many have different reasons for joining . I really don't know how many of the other clubs are run . They are all different . What I want to emphasize in our CC is that whatever tier you are . That you feel comfortable here , part of a team of players that come here to find conditions that enable them to improve their game , hone their skills , lower their scores ,lower their averages , move up in tiers . Enjoyably and comfortably with the conditions that challenge them enough to keep that drive without the frustrationsof regular game play . All that is completely possible by either creating those tourneys yourself or by messaging me about it . Or someone else in your tier that has been creating tourneys . Any kind of information that you need to know should be provided here , any kind of appp , calculator , help , tutorial , tournament , statistic , message , opinion , gripe , compliment , etc , etc . Should able to be aqcuired here ( or in our website , as it may be easier there ). With your help , all of this can be done easily . We already have a good start . I am going to be here for a very long time trying to achieve all this . For any of you that think it's a good direction for your CC to go in . Then lets keep on keepin on . Sincerely , Your Co team member PDB1 , Paul ( sitting here on a rare rainy day ) May the SUN always be with you
POST OF THE WEEK

Re: Where are the Flags ?By Bertasion in Valley of the Sun Casual Club The other day upon the heather fair I hit a flagstick that was not there. I saw it's shadow and heard the clank but where it stood was just a blank. It was not there again today. I wonder when it will come back and stay. Brian
BLITZ LIST
HERE IS THE LIST OF BLITZ COURSES IN THE ORDER THEY ARE PLAYED EVERY WEEK OF EVERY SEASON .

DAILY BLITZ WEEKLY SCHEDULE



WEEK 1

BEST OF BANDON PAR 3
PEBBLE BEACH
THE OLYMPIC CLUB
VAHALLA
MERION


WEEK 2

PINEHURST NO.2
HARBOUR TOWN
KIAWAH ISLAND
ROYAL ST. GEORGE
CONGRESSIONAL


WEEK 3

ERIN HILLS
ST. ANDREWS
BALI HAI
CELTIC MANOR
BETHPAGE BLACK


WEEK 4

PINEHURST NO. 8
WOLF CREEK
CHALLANGE AT MANELE
EXPERIENCE AT KOELE
HILVERSUMSCHE


WEEK 5

EDGEWOOD TAHOE
BEST OF WATER SHOTS
BEST OF FAMOUS SHOTS
BEST OF PUTTING
CHAMBERS BAY

TIER & AVERAGE REQUIREMENTS
BASIC LEVEL AND AVERAGE REQUIREMENTS

You need to play at least 5 ranked rounds as hack before reaching Amateur.
When your average score is equal or smaller than 100 you go from Hack to Amateur.

You need to play at least 10 ranked rounds as amateur before reaching Pro.
When it is equal or smaller than 80 you go from Amateur to Pro..

You need to play at least 20 ranked rounds as Pro before reaching Tour Pro.
When it is equal or smaller than 72 you go from pro to Tour Pro.

You need to play at least 25 ranked rounds as Tour pro before reaching Master.
When it is equal or smaller than 67 you go from Tour Pro to Master.

You need to play at least 40 ranked rounds as Master before reaching Tour Master.
When it is equal or smaller than 63 you go from Master to Tour Master.

You need to play at least 50 ranked rounds as Tour Master before reaching Legend.
When it is equal or smaller than 61 you go from Tour Master to Legend.

You need to play at least 500 ranked rounds as Legend to saturated ( average stops going up ) before reaching Tour Legend.
When it is equal or smaller than 60 you go from Legend to Tour Legend.

You need to play at least 200 ranked rounds as Tour Legend to saturate ( average stops going up ).
When it is equal or smaller than 60 you go from Tour Legend to Champion.

You need to play an additional 200 ranked rounds as Tour Legend before reaching Champion.


You need to play another 200 ranked rounds as a Champion to saturate ( average stops going up ).


You need to play an undisclosed number of additional rounds and receive an exclusive personal invitation before reaching Tour Champion.

Saturday 7/4 Humor

View previous topic View next topic Go down

subject title Saturday 7/4 Humor

Post by JimQ916 on Sat 04 Jul 2015, 14:37

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
_____________________________________________________________

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A: A monkey with a chainsaw.
____________________________________________________________
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
____________________________________________________________




One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
________________________________________________________
A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
_______________________________________________________

Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There were three little pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave when the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom.  The third little pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

________________________________________________________



Q: What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A: A Mechanic.

_____________________________________________________

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it. The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. He shrugged it off, and continued on his way. As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this. He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths. The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

_______________________________________________________


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

________________________________________________________



Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A: A monkey with a chainsaw.
____________________________________________________________

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
____________________________________________________________




One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
________________________________________________________
A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
_______________________________________________________

Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There were three little pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave when the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom.  The third little pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

________________________________________________________

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it. The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. He shrugged it off, and continued on his way. As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this. He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths. The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

_______________________________________________________


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

________________________________________________________

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

_____________________________________________________________



Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?

A: A monkey with a chainsaw.

____________________________________________________________

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

____________________________________________________________





One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?

________________________________________________________

A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

_______________________________________________________

Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.  The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.  The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."  The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"

________________________________________________________
avatar
JimQ916

Posts : 363
Join date : 2014-12-31

Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum