Saturday 5/20 Jokes

Hi everyone...here's a few jokes that I find humorous.....I have a warped sense of humor though but check them out anyway. Some are a littlw "off color" so if you're sensitive, read at your own risk As always, please don' shoot the messenger (me). Have a great weekend....Jim


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"That's what I thought", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
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Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: Because they always forget the recipe.
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Q: What's the downside to bigamy?
A: More than one mother-in-law.
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Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island. The redhead looks to the east and says that the shore is about 20 miles away. She swims out 10 miles, but she gets tired and drowns.
The brunette also looks to the east, figures the distance to shore is about 20 miles and starts swimming. She gets 15 miles out, but she gets tired and drowns.
The blonde figures that there's about 20 miles to the shore also. She swims 19 miles to the point where she can barely see the shore, and then she gets tired. So she swims back.
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Three penises were talking to each other, and the first penis said, "I like my master; he lets me look outside."
The second penis said, "I like my master; he plays with me."
The third penis said, "I hate my master; he puts me in a rubber suit and pushes me in and out of a dark cave till I puke.''
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A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.
After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
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Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
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Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
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Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney
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A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas.
“Well,” said one, “the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here.”
She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.
Pulling out two condoms, she said, “You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”
They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city.
Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan.
“D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Ray.
“Ah sure do,” said Billy-Bob, with a smirk.
“D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?”
“Nah,” said Billy-Bob.
“Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!”
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Q: How is a casino like a woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. "Cover me. I'm going in."
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A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
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A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.

"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"

"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"

"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"
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