Saturday 7/8/17 Jokes

Hi everyone.....here's a few jokes for today. Some are off color, so please, if you're easily offended, don't read them. There are also a couple that I posted in earlier posts, but upon reading them, found that they still make me laugh. As always, please don't shoot the messenger (me)!!!! Have a great day....Jim

Q: What did the d**k say to the balls?

A: "You guys hang around here while I go inside."

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Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family who does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats light bulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said, 'I'll only eat that thing if you turn out the light.'"

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

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Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?

A: The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.

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Q: What is the definition of a chauvinist pig?

A: A guy who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own.

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A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.

"That's something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it because it has teeth," she replied.

Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.

One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.

On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.

"No," he said. "It's got teeth."

"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"

"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied."Not with gums like that."

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Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Q: Why did the cowboy have sh*t in his mustache?

A: 'Cuz he'd been lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

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Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

A: The head nurse.

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

The wife asks if he means measles. He says, "No, it only affects the knees."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no, you had smallcox, too!"

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A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.

His wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?

A: All of Ken's stuff.

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Dr. Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably, another voice would bring him back to reality.

"But Dave, you sick pup.......you're a vet."

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A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.

He asks his oldest daughter, ''Whom do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.''

He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.''

He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''

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Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?

A: One word.......Peroxide.

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Q: Why was the 6'6" guy so brokenhearted after his 4'9" girlfriend dumped him?

A: He was nuts over her.

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Q: What four words kill a man's ego?

A: "Is it in yet?"

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Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

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Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the wild?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

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Q: What is the definition of eternity?

A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

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Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.

One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.

The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

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A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I hang out here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

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A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse."