THINGS YOU DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING

1. Wearing the skin of a roast chicken like a mask.

2. Using both hands to put on Chapstick.

3. Walking backwards in public.

4. Asking an old person to give up their seat on a bus.

5. Stop responding midway thru conversation, but maintain eye contact.

6. Flying a kite at night.

7. Pulling your pants/underwear all the way down to pee at a men’s urinal.

8. Wearing a wedding gown to someone else’s wedding.

9. Eating in public without using your hands at all.

10. Going to Starbucks and ordering a milk with ice.

11. Eating a banana with the skin on.

12. Working out in a suit.

13. When someone is holding a door open for you when a place has double doors and you just say fuck it and take the other door instead.

14. Trimming your lawn with scissors.

15. Eating unwrapped food from inside your pockets.

16. Standing silently at night along a forest road.

17. Vacuuming your yard.

18. Writing an s from the bottom up.

19. Casually eating a stick of butter during a business meeting.

20. Putting your shoes on before the pants.

21. Using your knife and fork to slice each french fry into small dainty pieces.

22. Brushing your teeth in public.

23. While shopping, pulling what you want out of other people’s carts before they buy them.

24. Walking around in public with a glass of water from home.

25. Entering an elevator full of people and not turning to face the door.

26. Farting and deeply inhaling it. In public.

27. Going out to the gym and using a Hershey’s syrup bottle as a waterbottle.

28. Not making any attempts to dry your hands after washing them.

29. Dressing like a penguin and walking on four legs.

30. Doing yard work at night.

31. Wearing a wedding gown everywhere. Really everywhere.

32. Sitting on a park bench, opening a jar of mayonnaise, and furiously eating the contents with just your bare hands.

33. Screaming in public at nothing except the existential dread you’re feeling.

34. Blasting “Highway To Hell” during a funeral.

35. Licking door knobs.

36. Putting a leash around your neck and walking yourself.

37. Buying a rope and a knife at the same time.

38. Drinking pool water at a public pool.

39. Slowly biting off paper thin pieces of pears.

40. Cover your roof in raw meat every morning, then bag it up throw it away after dark.

41. Sharing your browser history on social media.

42. Going into a fast food restaurant and using your own plates and utensils.

43. Tying your shoes to other shoes and walking around.

44. Mixing water and peanut butter to make it drinkable.

45. Watching TV. But it’s your neighbor’s TV. And you’re standing on the sidewalk outside their window.

46. Closing a glass door directly in someone’s face and staring at them through it with no expression.

47. Moaning while getting your blood drawn by a nurse.

48. Run while keeping your arms perfectly still at your sides.

49. Put toothpaste directly into mouth. Then brush teeth.

50. Having nothing but pictures of yourself on your walls.