AWKWARD MOMENTS DURING SEX

1. Your nose starts running while you're going down on someone.

2. So everytime you go to look up at them to give them a cheeky look, you have a long dribble of snot running down from your nose to your mouth.

3. You suddenly feel the urge to cough violently in the middle of a session.

4. Or worse, you go to say something sexy like "yeah baby spank me like the naughty girl I am" and it comes out in a barely audible croak.

5. The other then says "Sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?" and you lose your nerve and say "nevermind, please continue".

6. You spend the rest of the session banging in silence.

7. You try spanking but one of you doesn't know your own strength, leading the other to shout "OWWW NOT THAT HARD!"

8. At the peak moment of sexual tension you realise you need a condom but you cannot find one even though you swear you had it on the bedside table.

9. Or you cannot open the bottle of lube.

10. If you manage to open the bottle of lube, you dispense too much, leaving you both feeling like giant sticky babies.

11. One of you pulls a muscle during a vigorous position and you have to end the session immediately.

12. Or one of you tries something a bit too ambitious, most likely something you saw in a porno once, and it turns out to be physically impossible.

13. You both think yoga will solve the problem and make a promise to go more. You never do.

14. You try to have a quickie in the morning and just as you're getting into the mood, one of your alarms go off.

15. The alarm sound, which over time has become emotionally scarring, kills the vibe immediately.

16. You attempt some fooling around in the shower, but one of you slips on some soaps suds.

17. Or the showers sprays you powerfully in the eyes, temporarily blinding you.

18. You quickly dry off and run to the bedroom hoping the moment is not lost. It is.

19. You try dressing up but the outfit is so impractical you can either not get it off, or you can't see.

20. You try to watch porn together and realise you're both too embarassed to choose one lest you reveal your potentially odd fantasies.

21. Or one of you says "tell me what you like" but you go blank and end up saying "I LIKE SEX".

22. You realise in the middle of doing it that the other pulls really weird sex faces.

23. A frenzied strip-off results in one of you tripping over your jeans, or a bra being flung so forcefully it knocks something loudly to the floor.

24. You attempt to have sex in the middle of the night but in silence so not as to wake your flatmate, but you suddenly hear them stir and you stop mid-session and wait awkwardly for them to go back to sleep.

25. You've not had time to have a shower so you do a quick wash in the sink with whatever handsoap is available.

26. You dry off with tissue, inevitably getting a few bits unknowingly stuck to your genitals.

27. When it comes to the deed, those lovely ittle blobs of tissue make an appearance, most likely in your partner's mouth.

28. You have sex during your period, which is totally fine until later on your bed is filled with little dried blood flakes.

29. One of you suddenly becomes desperate for a pee in the middle of a session because you held it in earlier so as not to ruin the mood while making out.

30. In the meantime the other lies patiently on the bed, spread-eagled, and scrolls on their phone.

31. When trying to get into the 69 position, one of you accidentally kicks the other in the head.

32. Even though you're both so, so tired, you try to have sex anyway, but one of you then starts to doze off mid-session.

33. One of you accidentally blurts out "I LOVE YOU" during, even though you've only just started seeing each other.

34. Or worse, calls you by a nickname you've not discussed yet like "NAUGHTY DADDY".

35. Someone attempts something terrible like spitting a huge glob of saliva onto your genitals and is really pleased with themselves about it, clearly because their ex never told them it was a fucking gross thing to do.

36. One person comes and then asks the other if they did. They say "no" and so the other person then says "OK next time we'll make you come".

37. They never do.