Dirty Jokes 11/26/17

Hi everyone....I just got back from my dad's after putting up his Xmas decorations and had a few minutes, so here are a few jokes I found. ALL OF THESE CAN BE CONSIDERED (ARE) "DIRTY", so read them at your own risk. As always, please don't shoot the messenger (me).....Jim

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather, go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this beautiful woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them and of course the guys say sure. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle, 260 yards away. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "The guys think, 'what a deal!'

The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Just aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break hard left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break hard left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over to the ball, picks it up and drops it into the cup...he then unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."

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A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"

His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."

The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."
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A man with a mask on walks into a bank, pulls out a gun and points it at a woman at a desk. He says, "Open the vault skank".

The woman says, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here".

The man says, "Open the vault right now or I'm going to blow your damn head off".

She opens the vault, turns back to the man and he says "Get one of those jars, take the lid off and swallow what's in it".

She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, "Sir, this is sperm...please don't make me drink it".

The man says, "I said, get one of the jars, take the lid off and swallow it or I'll blow your damn head off"!!!!!!

So the woman takes a jar, screws the lid off and kicks it back real quick...she then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask.......it was her husband.

He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that difficult, is it'?

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won a damn 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and this *** is giving you a hard time?"

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A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together.

The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way...... you already broke yours off!"

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, dresses up in his best God costume and goes to the Cemetery the next night. At exactly eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.

The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.

After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"