THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by JimQ916 Sun 22 Mar 2015, 10:34 am

Sunday 3/22 Golf Humor

One day a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted, "Damn, missed again." The nun, shocked, warned him, "God will get you for that." The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning, "God will get you for that!" On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!"

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

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A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

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Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"

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I wore my lucky golf socks for ten years before I got a hole in one.

Than I had to buy a new pair cause my toe was poking out.

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Q: What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?

A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

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Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

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A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.
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Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it and off they went. Coming back from the 18th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
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There was a business woman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving, the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined. The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
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Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!"

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it."

(Think about it for a minute... it'll come to you) Smile