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Have You Heard These Old Jokes
Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
Page 1 of 1
Have You Heard These Old Jokes
by Paul Thu 28 Apr 2016, 6:16 pm
I was a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it’s Africa .
.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in town , but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
.
A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a moustache”
.
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
.
The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
.
The older we get, there are fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Calculus and Algebra.
.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
.
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
.
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
.
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
.
You know you’re a redneck if…
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
.
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
1. An application was for employment.
2. A program was a TV show.
3. A cursor used profanity.
4. A keyboard was a piano!
5. Memory was something that you lost with age.
6. A CD was a bank account.
7. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!
.
Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.” The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.” Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn’t taste like anyone in this building…”
.
Married men do not live longer than single men, it just feels that way.
.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in town , but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
.
A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a moustache”
.
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
.
The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
.
The older we get, there are fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Calculus and Algebra.
.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
.
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
.
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
.
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
.
You know you’re a redneck if…
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
.
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
1. An application was for employment.
2. A program was a TV show.
3. A cursor used profanity.
4. A keyboard was a piano!
5. Memory was something that you lost with age.
6. A CD was a bank account.
7. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!
.
Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.” The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.” Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn’t taste like anyone in this building…”
.
Married men do not live longer than single men, it just feels that way.
Paul
Please enjoy
_________________
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Paul- Admin
- Posts : 42208
Join date : 2013-05-06 -
Paul- Admin
- Posts : 42208
Join date : 2013-05-06 -
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Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
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